be patient

 it's been a month since I have truly gotten things off of my chest. In that month a lot has happened. So I'm gonna let it all out and pretend that I'm writing a book cause this is what it basically is right?

 Ok so I caught feelings for a guy that I shouldn't be into. He talked to my used to be friend for a month. The only thong thatspeed me was the fact that I have liked him for a year now. Those feelings were changed when I was told I wasn't his type from somebody that only talked to him for a month. Is a month a long enough time to figure out what a person likes?I tAlked to this guy countless times I don't know why I didn't see him as that person. Then I also found out that he's the type of person to cheat on his girlfriend with other girls because he can't help that sexual attraction that comes with it. I don't want a guy like that. Why lower my expectations for someone who wouldn't do the same for me if I was that type of person. I just wish that someone could have told me sooner it was gonna end up like that.

I mean I shouldn't have a problem with that because the whole time I was liking the kid I couldn't help but think about the one person that continues to make my day without being here or talking to him. How is that possible? Before I met the guy that makes my day I thought it was all lies when I heard people say"you may or may not like them depending on how their personality is". Now I understand everything. This guy lives so far away from me yet he continues to make my day and empty problems away with just one smile or look.

Everything is reminding me of him and now that I've admitted he fact that I miss him I can't wait until he shows up again. I wonder if he's still gonna be that same person I met three or four months ago.

But even if things go to the next level would I be able to.handle a long distance.relationship? ' this question has bothered me to no stop because I don't know if I can. This wonderful guy could be feeling the same I feel right now I just wouldn't know.

Someone told me the day before he left and keeps reminding me that if it was meant to be I would have told him already. But I don't think that's the case. I didn't tell g because I am too afraid of rejection and with him living so fad. I guess I kind of figured that things would never work out between us. Never I'm just too afraid and that's the reason I am sitting here referring never getting his contract info. I should have done it while I had gotten the chance.

Good days patience is the key. So as I sit and wait for another year to pass before I could see him again maybe God is testing me to see if I can weight out the time of seeing him again. All one big test.if I can make it through the year to the summer then I can wait to see his face again if we ever happen to make it official.

This guy gives me butterflies. I wish I would have had the courage to tell him that I liked him.maybe there would have been a different outcome to the whole situation.

another him

I wish he would've never used my emotions against me cause even though I thought I was over him he's still the one person I like to talk about and see his face


I thought all of my emotions were gone. But when I saw that picture of h the emotions came back.

It's a bittersweet feeling that I can't shake away when I see that picture I wish it wasn't there until I knew for sure that my feelings for him were.gone.

When I had that dream of him last night it made me think that maybe there is a chance of moving on from him. I just wish it was as easy as people say.

I have distractions, I have accepted the fact I might actually love him I've tried gaining.New crushes bit who am I kidding it's no use. I don't want to use the new crushes as a rebound or whatever it's called for him when I know I'm not the one on his mind.

I went days without looking at his photos and that day out of all days had to be the one day I looked at it. Wrong choice.

I should stop reminiscing over what could have been and start paying attention to the things in front of me. I promise you though that if he was to come back into my life instead of saying no I would hurriedly say yes. The reason I say that is because somewhere buried inside of me I know that my feelings are strong as the first day I saw him.

i try

I try so hard to get him off of my.mind bit it never works. He's all I think about. I sometimes h I never met but I know we would regret not meeting him. I have tried to have other crushes but that's not even helping. It's only made matters worse. I just want to give up on it and everything.

I honestly don't know what's to be fought for. I like him and two other people. I thought that me not telling him would help me Throughout they year but turns out it o.my made my feelings for him expand. I just don't know what to do. I wish things would Starr living up to the way where I'm not hurt. But I guess that's how life works huh

my life

Everyone's life is un predictable.

My life is just full of surprises. Everyday there is something new that comes up out of no where or something about previous times comes along and ruins the day.

I might think I have no one but I'm just too blind to notice it right now.

I need time to process things. I can't get over something as easily as other's. I wish I was but I'm not.  I just want to know what did I do to deserve this? It's like a broken record with this person.

I'm tired of the pain this person constantly brings to my life. I would like to think that this person is doing what's right for them but I know better than to believe what people say and do. I just hope things get better.

Whether people realize it or not I do NEED that person in my life. That person was my twin on the outside but what counts is on the inside.

The inside we were like two opposites when it came to things.

I wish that person would just do what was needed so everything could be the way it used to be.

I have forgiven that person for the things and pain they have caused throughout my life
 I'm just not ready to accept the horrible truth.  They always say the truth hurts and boy were they not lying. It hurts badly especially when it's something about someone who you would least expect.

Things will get better as time goes on. I can only.pray that everything is the way Jesus wants it to be.

Maybe this was his way of telling me  things turn out the way he wants it to be.

Hello beautiful

hurt

I'm hurt.

It's.not.physical hurt.it's emotional hurt.

Physical pain is something I can deal with but emotional pain I can not


I have been through so much and only God and my best friend knows.

It's all starting to build up now and I can say that I am hurt. 

Emotionally.

I've had a crush recently and I can say now that I really liked him. He made me laugh and smile when I needed it the most. And now that he's gone I only have my best friends and God left to comforter me. But every one knows your best friends are not that funny sometimes especially when they know something is going on. They want to talk all about it.

My.family isn't.doing so well also and its tragic because it gets worse by the day. Everyday it's something new that tears us apart. Me as the over thinker I am makes things more complicated on myself than need be.

The only way I'm keeping same is thinking about him and hanging out with my YouTuber nest friend
 She keeps me distracted for as long as I need by talking about videos which I don't mind because the people she follows are amazing. My other best friend gives me advice. She may thinks it doesn't help but it does a lot.

I guess the pain for me is missing him... and all this family crap. The other day I was writing a chapter for my story. It revealed some very personal things I would have never put on there but it went well with the story.

Now I think of my past and how the horrible things happened, along with my crush and this family drama. All of thatched together for me is nothing nut tearing me apart. It sucks. I shouldn't be living like this. No one should but yet we do it everyday.

Still as a child/teen there's things that I shouldn't be told because I might not be able to deal with it. This past month I've been told loads of things I shouldn't have hears. So mow as a result I think about it 24/7 and I haven't been able to sleep at.always.

It's really nerve reckoning really. I just don't know how to deal with this kind of stuff. And today I have had my.limit with it. Emotionally pain is so much worse than physical pain especially when it has happened over and over. I have met my reaching point and let me just say I am fed up with everything and everyone except this who have been nothing but good to me.

I thank those who have been nothing but good for me because it has helped cope with this HURT a little bit.

Right now I'm emotionally unstable and only Lord knows how long it's going to be

I haven't mad a blog in days and I'm super duper sorry for that.

I have been busy doing summer homework and writing my stories for my wonderful readers.

They have made my week I have now 100 reads on my story. I couldn't be happier. I was gonna hive up on the story but now I am really happy that I didn't.

So I was thinking about making another blog for my stories and letting you all read them. What do you think?

So that would make me have two blogs but I guarantee you that this blog will updated more than the other if I ever do make it.

I have also decided that on the days I.am.busy I will make a post..It won't be as long as the.others but it would be better than nothing am I right?

Well I hope you guys are doing okay and don't think I've given up on you because I haven't.

I've been going.through a tough time and only hope you all bear with me

please help me make this choice

I just think I need to sleep in this but I need someone's else answer.


I like this person. Someone who has been in the same place as me when they were my age told me I should tell him I like him before he goes.


My little sister told me I should tell him or she will.


They just don't know how hard it is. There's more to it that I'm considering.

What if he doesn't feel the same then I'm gonna hurt myself for listening to others instead of listening to myself and not telling him.


But if I don't tell him I'm gonna hurt myself for that because he might feel the same.


I just don't want it to be awkward. And most of all I do t want to get hurt. Though I'm all honesty I'm hurting myself more if I don't.

I don't know what to choose. It's harder than most people think especially if you've only known them for a week.


I'm an over thinker and I make things more complicated than need be. I should just go with my guts and not tell him


Beat friend if you are reading this you can tell him I guess.

Just don't let me be there to hear the words he's gonna say," I only like her as a friend though..."


I.can see him saying that.

It makes me frustrated enough to cry just thinking of if I should tell him or not.



Ugh world help me!!

I'm driving myself nuts literally. I don't think I'll be able to sleep.

letter to my crush

Dear crush,

I don't regret falling for you or meeting you. I mean who could?

You are an amazing person and I know you see it. 

The first time we met we barely talked and now I consider you as a friend.

When we started talking I wasn't expecting to feel this way about you and now I can't believe it happened so quickly.

Thanks to my best friend I met you and made a friend. 

You don't see it but I like you a lot. The reason I say you don't see it is because things would have been more awkward if you had known. 

Thanks to my best friend I have now realized that you are funny, nice and cool to hang around. But I should be also thanking myself for finally growing a pair of balls and talk to the guy I liked.

If I hadn't never talked to you I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel right more. My face wouldn't twitch from smiling way too much throughout the day and most of all I wouldn't be listening to the songs I listen to... or maybe I would've I'm not sure. 

But what I am sure of is that if I never talked to you and I ended up liking you I would beat myself up. Because there were lots of times I could've talked to you. 

But I'm not too stupid to know that what I feel is just a crush. It will eventually fade when I no longer see you around and start to like other people. 

Hopefully I will have enough courage to talk to them like how I talked to you.

I remember the first time I told another one of my best friend that I liked you. I kept telling her about how you were funny weird(in a good way) and nice. 

I felt all giddy and couldn't stop smiling. I told her I felt high but all she could say was that she was happy that I was happy. And when she said that I thought to myself," yeah I am happy."

It wasn't a lie because obviously I still am happy. 

But the sad thing is. I feel like there's too many obstacles that would be getting in the way. I mean I would barely see you, you live far away and I don't even have your number so our friendship would be lost. 

Those obstacles is what makes it hard. Cause I fell for you knowing I had screwed myself. Those obstacles up there are reasons why we can't be. I accepted that fact when I admitted to myself that I liked you. 

Yeah granted its only been  a week I feel as though it's been longer than a week. Cliche I know but it's true in my world. 

Before you go I want to tell you that I like you but I'm just not ready for that yet.I know things will be awkward and it will be bad for me cause I know you only see me as a friend. But your friendship is more than I can ask for.

I know it's strange for my best friend to hear the things I tell her about you and that's gonna atop for now on unless she asks me of it. 

But I guess that all there is to it that it's just a crush and you don't even know. But I like the fact that you don't know because it's something mysterious and has you wondering on who I could be talking about. 

And it makes me happy that you want to know who I'm talking about. It gives me hope that maybe that you want that person to be you...

Well to end this I should say

I like you a lottle. It's like a little except a lot.       :)

                                                                                                                           Sincerely,

                                                                                                                             Your secret admirer

step parents

Step parents can be the moat cruelest people in the world. Take it from the master (me.)

My friend tells me all the time all about her problems with her stepmom:

Friend's point of view:

I have a stepmother that I absolutely do not like. It's like she goes out of her way to make it known that she down at like me either.

We don't get along because honestly I think she's jealous. Jealous of my little sister and i. We were the first in my dad's life other than his mom and my mom but you see the point. I think it's all because she knows my father would pick is over her.

I mean who wouldn't chose their biological kids over someone they married and still probably doesn't know everything about.

But anyways she's malefficent. She treats people unfairly and acts like it's nothing wrong with it. Like really can you not.

The other day she admitted she didn't like me and ever since then I haven't talked to her. A few days later she starts talking to me like everything is okay and she never said she didn't like me.

I don't like that she did that. I have one less problem without her and I'm gonna keep it that way.

I don't have time in my life to sit and stress about people that don't like me and also don't trust me.

I mean I don't even do that to people my own age. If I don't associate with people my own age when I know they don't like me what makes you any difference?

Just because you're an adult?

Oh no.

I treat everyone the same. I will sit and listen to you and respect you bit.not waste my time with you.

I am tired of being treated like dirt it really isn't called for. I have tried to sit and tell my dad but it's like she has him under a spell. He only.listens to some of it.

She makes me seem like th as bad guy to everyone she sits and talks to. It's not fair mistakes me mad because when I go around them they only see her point of the situation they don't ask about mine which makes it worse. So I'm being judged by other people that has no reason being in the house's business all because she doesn't like me.I'm tired of it.

My point of view:

Step parents bring nothing but drama with them. They do whatever they can to make your life miserably but you have to realize they're not worth it. You have to sit and think about the positive out comes that comes with it.

Like for instance when you turn eighteen you can hurry and get the neck out of the place. When you have kids your step parent doesn't have to see them.

 For someone I know that's what she's  doing. As long as her step mom is with her father she will not be able to see my friend's grandkids
 She used to say that he won't see them either but her dad does everything in his will to make sure her little sister and her are okay.

It's not fair to take out something on your biological parent just because your step parent is being rude and mean.

It's not fair. So just keep reminding yourself: the step parent isn't the one taking care of you. It's your real father/mother.

Try talking to your biological parent more and if the still don't believe you then record them with a voice recorder. When you have evidence that your step parent is being mean towards you it takes your biological parent understand you're being mistreated and will most likely do something about it.

Just because your step parent is treating you wrongly doesn't mean you have to give up.

music

Everyone has their own type of music they listen to.

Who are we to judge other people's music.

People listen to the music they find more appealing to them or based off things they go through or went thorough are going through it now. 

Music shows people who you are and what type of things you're interested in or not interested in. 

Me I'm the type of person that will listen to any.type of music as long as I like it. For me all types of music helps me go through whatever it is at the moment. Music is my way of escaping from this horrible world and going to a place I call my own. There NO one can bother me, no one can see me, no one can judge me, and best of all I can be myself without worrying about society. 

Society teaches as we get older that either way what you do its not good enough. So when we listen to a type of music they don't like we tend to either cut it down or listen to their type even though it's complete trash.

Why do we do this? 

Everyone is happy with the type of music they listen to. We don't have to spellbound opinions to the person with the horrible taste in music. 

Learn to appreciate it.

If you don't appreciate it then what's the point of even listening to music? If you shoe and speak that you don't like a certain type of music you're that way towards all music.

Music is all the same so how can you listen to one but hate everything else. Be open to more music because you never know you may actually like it.

Music tells you the truth in things that us as  people today are too blind to see. 

Society today is cruel. And by society I mean us the people. 

We say we're not judgemental but yet we talk about how people dress, the clothes they wear, music they listen to. And if we don't like it it bugs us. So when it bugs us we go and tell other people and they tell other and they tell other people. It's a chain reaction. We start it without even realizing what we are doing and that's not good. 

We need to do something about it cause weather we realize it or not. We are hurting people by judging them.on the music they listen to and the way the dress and act, Anne best of all the things they do.


If we as people don't change it then the world is going to be filled with hate. 

Everyone that we know and love today won't talk to us because of something we said that effected them or they're no longer walking this earth because society got the better of them.

Have you ever gained what it would be like to live in a peaceful world?

Well I have and trust me it's not this world we're living in right now. I wouldn't even want to go the past because if you think about it the past was just like this
 Only mow we've made it worse and people are killing themselves because of the pain

summer crush

A summer crush never works out...


You meet this new person who lives far away and is just visiting some family or old friends. You wish you could do something about it but you can't. That person is always gonna have to go back to their home.


You knew nothing about the person until now and you wanna spend every minute of every second with them. But the downfall to that is that the person probably doesn't feel the same way.


But you know if you tell that person it's just gonna make things awkward. If a summer crush could only know how you felt about them without being like awkward or anything.

I wish it could be that way but my summer crush is taken. It's just that gut feeling that told me this. I only hope my summer crush would read this and know how I felt about them. But at the same time I wish they wouldn't because it would make things awkward.

As you get closer to your summer crush YOU realise they will be leaving sooner than you thought and it makes you sad.

With all of these feelings floating around you just wanna cry because 1) you know that summer crush will never be yours and 2) you might not even see that person again.

It's the thought of losing them that scares you. It's the thought that they don't feel the same way at all. You don't know if the crush will ever feel the same because.you barely know.them enough to come out and ask" hey do you like me?" That would make it even more awkward to start with.


But eventually that.American crush will grow or become smaller like an ant. If those feelings stay the as from when you first met that summer crush then maybe you should tell em. You will never know how they feel until you try.


You spend the nights thinking about your summer crush and wonder if they're doing the same doubting they actually are. That crush just... you can't explain anything about it because you're confused..


Summer crush is pulling you in but at the same time avoiding you at all costs. It's something new for you.

Instead of finding out the truth you just sit and assume and it crushes you. It crushes you so bad that you can't bear it. It's something you wish you would've never felt but you love it because that summer crush is always there in the back of your mind.

What happens when that crush leaves though. How are you gonna be able to see that cite face and wonderful smile and be able to hear that adorable.laugh when you guys are not near each other any more. Your summer crush you spent every summer night thinking about Will be just a lost memory.

adult talk

What is adult talk?



If you have never heard the saying slathered is ADULT TALK going on atop lying to yourself.  Every child has heard it when their parent is hiding something.


Is there even such thing as adult talk because sooner or later the kid is going to find out. This is even about kids under 12 years old. This is about how us teens know when our parents are hiding things from us they don't want us to hear. So why not spit out what you have to say in front of them.


Why do parents make it so noticeable to kids that they are hiding something. Parents always claim they have no business when their kids or teens are around. But in all honesty the parent put a their information out there by either talking loud or talking about right in your face when they think you're not listening.


Parents do not have to make it obvious they are hiding.something from the kid. They don't have to sit and say,"oh we're about to talk about grown up stuff so you need to leave"

If you and the kid are already in a bad place they are gonna think that you are talking about them.

Parents shouldn't make their.kids feel like that because it makes the child feel neglected. Parents wonder expect their child to tell them EVERY single thing that is going on in that child's life but why?

Parents hide things from their kids all the time and expect their child to be completely honest with them.

If you're a parent reading this you know this is true. When you make a child or your child feel neglected by sending them away you have hurt the child's feelings.

Parents always sit and say that they were just like but if they did they wouldn't hide things from their kids no matter how it was.

Like the sex life. Parents sit and get divorced and are always afraid to tell the kid that there is another person in their life. When the kid finds out without their parents telling them it makes the child act like a totally different person.

When a child knows their parent is hiding something from them they do the same because the parent is showing them that it is alright to hide things. Granted the fact that it could be something important. The kid isn't going to say anything.

Now parents always say it's in the best interest of the child if they don't know something specific but for all the kid knows it could have something to do with them.

That's why kids have trust issues. Because parents basically show their child that you can't trust anyone not even the people that raised you.

Kids learn everything from their parents and friends but their parents have a bigger impact than the friends do.

taking the fall

As I sit and think to myself I can't help but think about him.

His eyes.

His smile.

The way he dresses.

His personality.


It's all the things that pulled me in to like him.

 I told myself over and over again that he would and doesn't like me. And to this day I still think it's true.

I mean come.on guys be honest if you had a class with a girl you liked you would want to talk to her. Guys don't sit and stare at a girl unless he is thinking 'wow she is cute/pretty/beautiful I.want to talk to her' .

No that's not how it went. He went a whole year without making a move. That's pretty.obvious there. A guy doesn't male a move on you because a)you're friend zoned,b)he's not interested or c) because he's taken. Of course there are other reasons but him... I know choice b is the answer with him.

He pulled me in with his personality and then just stopped and I'm not supposed to care.

NEWS FLASH HONEY! I'm not like the materialistic girls when you make a funny face at me and wave that's all it takes to pull me in especially if I had liked you once.

I was willing to fall and hurt myself all over again because you did something simple like making me laugh.

When you look at me you should be able to tell that it doesn't take a lot to impress me. All you have to do is make a move.

You shouldn't be scared because I don't hang around the type of people your friends are. I know you're not like that so don't mind falling for you.

But it tears me apart when I see you laughing and.giggling with her. It could be.been us.but you didn't make the move. I'm sorry but that's not my fault. I have you hint after hint and you didn't want it so that part was on you.

The part that was on me was falling for your tricks. I always knew you didn't feel the same because I saw the way you looked at her.

Yes I notice the looks you give her that you don't give me but it shows merging... it shows she's the one you care about. She's the one the one that gained your interest. . She's the one that hangs out with your friends.

Bit when she breaks your heart I don't want you to pull me in for me to give my hopes up again.

I know it's only my fault for doing that. But you know as well as I that I wouldn't have fallen so hard if you didn't pulls me in and if I didn't have such a big heart.

You are not the only one that has feelings you know. I sit in my room every day and night and think of the things that we could we be doing as a couple if you had big enough balls to make the freaking move.

Be more courageous.

I can't help the fact that I'm always going to have feelings for you. But maybe one day you will get hurt just as badly.as I'm hurting now. You will see how it felt.to be lead.on by a person you told yourself you didn't like over and over. But most of all you will question yourself on if that's how it felt when you hurt me that way.


But now your probably wondering why I didn't make the first move. Well as I didn't make out because I knew I had no chance with you. You would do nothing but Sat"oh sorry I don't feel the same way" and talk and.laugh about it with your friends. So while you're sitting there being happy and jolly and making fun of me. I'm hurting and crying my eyes out to my friends because I liked you enough to tell you to your face.

For me being a shy girl that takes a lot of courage and confidence and to do nothing but have it shattered away by the person I liked the most is a major risk. It's one I don't like taking. It's one you proved I was foolish for making.

I just hope that one day you meet a pretty girl and you get your heart broken by the one you didn't want to lose. I hope you figure out how it feels to walk by you and see you everyday and me knowing you destroyed my confidence and that I know I'm invisible to.

 Tell me if it doesn't hurt. Cause I bet your top dollar you will regret ever making a person feel this way

what can i do

What can I do?

What can I do about something I can't change?

 The things that are un changeable are the things out of my reach.

You can't expect someone to be superhero for you when there is nothing to do but wait.

So many people wish they can turn back the hands of time but it can't happen.

We all wish we have that could just have a reset button. A reset button would help so many things in so many ways.

 But it's the way we do things that can only be determined by if we accept it or regret it.

In the past I've done things I wish I hadn't. I've met.people that I never wanted to meet. I've made life choices that has and is still impacting me today. I wish I could turn it all back though.


Sometimes things aren't meant to be changed though. We just need to accept it.

God has a way of making things work out for us. We may think it's a horrible way but in the end we notice that it brought us something good. We may not like the struggles that God gives us but throughout the whole thing he's by our side. Even when sending know.

I have witnessed many of his great wonderfulness right in front of my own eyes.

In fact just the other day I was going through a rough patch and God brought someone in my life and worked it out.

Has it helped?  Yes it has just a little. But the reason it didn't demolish quicker is because he has something else in store for me.

I look at the things my friends go through and compare it to the stuff I go through. There's isn't nearly half as bad mine. They might think I'm over exaggerating but they won't know until they've lived my life.

So what can I do to change that other than have faith that God is here by me and I can make it through this since I've made it through worse.

What can I do to change the world? I ask myself this question all the time.  Every time I try to change something negative into something positive it doesn't work. I wish it would cause so many things would be different.

As I make it through these challenges I know I have wonderful people in my life I can count on. Who I count is my choice. The people I count are the ones I know that will help me and that will keep their mouths closed because they know it's not their business to tell.


So what can I do to change the things I want changed when no one is by my side to help me change it?

Him...




It's like I'm invisible. I don't like it one bit.

I probably sound like a crazy stalker kind of girl that only talks about her crush but I'm not.

It's just that when I like o.so.e. it's way too much. It ends up grafting me.

It's like I see all of their flaws in them and still want to be with him. I see he hangs around with the wrong crowd but I still want to be around him because I know he's not like them.

He may dress like them but trust me I know he's not.


I can't take it.

When I say a like a person it's not because of their looks it's because I actually see the person inside of them and if I like it I like it.

I have run into so many complications with my love life because the people o fall for are always either taken or don't like me back. I know I'm waiting so you can save me the speech but she I fall for a person I fall hardly.

Like right now for example. I have liked this guy since I started my first semester school. I would make it seem like I didn't like him even though I should've never did that. Because it turns out that he would sit and look at me like when I didn't know.  I wish I would have known that sooner cause now I feel like I have no chance at all with them.

We're from two different universes his friends and I would never get along. I don't care about his friends because they're not the type of people I want to be around. But in a relationship your lover and your friends should get along. If they don't it's gonna end up ruining the relationship.


See the thing with me is: I don't talk to my guy crushes. I know sometimes a.guy likes it when the girl makes the first move but I've tried. I have tried so many freaking times of making the first move with a boy that I just gave up. I got tired of hearing the same thing over and over. It wasn't fair for me. So when someone tells me I should talk to my crush and I don't it's not because I'm too afraid. It's because I've heard it over and over and I know what's gonna be said. So why give my hopes up on something when I can keep it to myself and not be hurt.

I mean I'm going to be.hurt when I find out he has a girlfriend but she makes him happy and treats him well that's all that matters.

I'm not the type of person to sit and interfere with someone's relationship just because I don't like his girlfriend or I think my best friends have a boyfriend that's not right for them. I let them figure it for themselves.The least I can do is sit and give them advice. If they listen to it or not is totally up to them.

I can help everyone else but I can't help myself. It's something that's always been a problem with me. I put other's before I put myself if I can.

But anyways. It's now smear and I still like the guy that I liked since the first school semester. He makes me happy.

But something is bothering me.

I don't know if this is true but to me I feel as though he would and probably does let his friends influence him on the choices and actions he makes. It's not right of me to assume that when I barely know a single detail about him. But hey that's another reason I haven't told him.

If I was to tell him I liked him he would do nothing bit tell his friends and make fun of me. I see they way they have conversations about people they don't think fits in the "group or whatever. That's why I assume he lets his friends influence him.

I mean who has time for that in a relationship?

If you're gonna like me l;like me. Not just because your friends think I'm likeable or whatever. But like me because that is what you feel in your heart you should do.

This guy he's just.... I don't think he's ever going to understand how much he means to me. I have like a song dedicated to him. When it comes on I smile and think of him.

We're not together or anything which is quite creepy but it's like "why didn't I notice him before?"'

I know I'm not in love or that's what I keep telling myself because in my eyes he's worth it but at the same time he's not.

I am just gonna start writing about him on here. Because even though I haven't told him I liked him: I know it's always going to be bugging at me and I guess I can deal with that because I have dealt with worse.

If he only knew.....

Sometimes I think what life would be like if I stayed.
Would anything have changed?


People tell me all the time I'm in a better place but honestly it all feels the same. The same dream. The same rude people. The same struggles. When is it going to change?

One cannot live a life like this. It's not acceptable.


The life before is the one I tried to get away from not go back to.

I have tried to conquer my problems and face them like the mature person I am;but it only bites me in the butt ten times harder than before.

 So I gave up. I can't please no one but myself. That's why I'm the person I am. I am tired of the drama and people never changing but saying they will. It's all a lie.

I don't like to run from my problems but I feel like no one is there. No one cares enough to hear my story and help me out. It feels like I'm all by myself.


To try not to feel this way I distract myself.

Does it help?

Not really cause I still think of it even when I promised myself I wouldn't.

Now what can I do that about that?

There's nothing to do right?

Nothing but to just sit and watch it all unfold into a big mess....








I'm not gonna see myself be that person it is not who I want to be.
I'm going to change those negative factors in my life and make them disappear.  They are no longer going to distract me from accomplishing my dreams.

To all of those out there just keep holding on. I know you've heard people say it lots of times but listen to them. Many times I have wanted to give up because I tell myself I don't have to deal with these people when I'm older. Make the negative things in your life disappear or turn them into positive factors.